


Kill Yourself, For Recognition

by churb



Series: everyone is a crystal gem and nothing hurts [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, it goes from there, peridot has a dream, she's gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 13:55:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4669109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/churb/pseuds/churb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>so you kill yourself and you never really stop</p><p>//</p><p>Peridot has a dream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kill Yourself, For Recognition

**Author's Note:**

> someone wanted pearlidot so here i am to ruin ur day
> 
> i'm not as happy w this one but oh well

Peridot has a dream, that night.  
  
She doesn’t sleep much. She considers that human tomfoolery left for, well, humans. Every night she stands with Pearl (occasionally Garnet) while the latter puts Steven to bed, kisses his forehead and asks him if he’s brushed his teeth, and she has the privilege of watching him snuggle down and Pearl leans over and strokes his forehead and it’s lovely (she wishes Pearl would be that affectionate with her) but she doesn’t really get it, that’s all.  
  
But sometimes, like tonight, she wants a moment to not think, for a while, or at least not have to repress her thoughts, and she sleeps because she wants to get away. Pearl doesn’t touch her forehead like she does with Steven and Peridot tries to pretend that she doesn’t want her to.  
  
Her dream involves a wreck. An old, Homeworld built Gem wreck from before the war. Peridot runs her fingers along the smooth yet damaged pillars and perches herself atop one, stares at the sky and she’s content not thinking and feeling happy, for once.  
  
“Isn’t it beautiful.”  
  
Pearl sits next to her, suddenly. Peridot appreciates the way the coloured light shines on her legs as she stretches, before nodding.  
  
“It’s certainly very interesting.”  
  
“ _And_ beautiful. You should have seen it when it was still standing.” Pearl looks around, stands, and Peridot stands with her, for lack of anything better to do. Or maybe it was the strange compulsion to follow Pearl, wherever she went. Peridot’s never quite figured out how to make it go away.  
  
They walk. Pearl strokes the surface of the pillars and Peridot follows suit, and they walk and admire.  
  
“There’s so much history in these ruins.” Pearl says. “So much planning. The sheer engineering involved to build something like this….Peridot, it’s amazing. Nobody understands quite how I feel about it.”  
  
Her voice catches. Peridot takes her hand.  
  
“I understand, Pearl. I understand completely.”  
  
Sometimes, she thinks, something is just so beautiful you can’t help but love it.  
  
“Of course you do.” Pearl’s eyes light up. “You understand all of me. I’m so lucky that we met, Peridot. I’m so glad we have someone like you on our team.”  
  
“I can’t do it without you.” Pearl is a lot of who Peridot tries to be. It might be unhealthy, viewed from some angles. She decides she wants to ignore it.  
  
Pearl steps forward and holds her. Peridot lets it happen.  
  
“Rose didn’t understand me, you know.” It’s a whisper, into Peridot’s hair, and it makes her gasp a little. “Not entirely. Not like you do. Rose was never like you.”  
  
Peridot is aware of that, of course. She hadn’t been aware that that was a good thing.  
  
“I’m glad I could be different.” is all she manages to say, and Pearl pulls away, takes her hand, and smiles a sweet, sincere smile. It makes Peridot want to melt.  
  
“Dance with me.” she says.  
  
Peridot splutters.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Dance with me.” Pearl isn’t deterred, takes Peridot’s hand, or what’s left of it, and Peridot stares at her, bites her lip (her own lip, haha, as if) and Pearl is still smiling that smile and she’s got that hope and Peridot nods.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They dance.  
  
Peridot doesn’t do dancing. She doesn’t do graceful. She’s nothing on Pearl. She doesn’t have the legs and the figure and the flexibility. She reminds herself of that one time Greg tried dancing like Pearl for a joke. Pearl didn’t find it very funny. Everyone else did.  
  
She dances anyway and it’s all very intimate.  
  
Pearl spins. Peridot holds her hand and lets it happen, watches as the other Gem twirls and kicks her leg out and falls, daintily, and Peridot uses her other hand to catch her, dip her, and Pearl reaches up and wraps her arms around Peridot’s neck and   
  
kisses her.  
  
Peridot is not equipped for this kind of situation. She kisses back anyway. She kisses Pearl and she loves it and she’s not ashamed and she lets the light, the light made by fusion, the act of syncing their bodies, she lets it engulf them. It’s bright and blinding and deafening and green.  
  
The moment she realises that it’s her hologram projector is the moment when her heart breaks.  
  
Peridot wakes up.  
  
She can project with her gem. Most Gems who’s gems are on their forehead have this ability. Peridot doesn’t want to share her dreams with anyone but when she’s sleeping it just happens.  
  
Someone’s taking her hand. What’s left of her hand. Peridot reminds herself that she doesn’t have actual hands and looks over.  
  
“Where are the others.” Her voice is hoarse. She doesn’t know how much the other saw.  
  
Jasper shrugs.  
  
“Lapis is with Steven. Don’t know about anyone else.”  
  
“Were you watching me sleep?”  
  
Jasper leans back and indicates to the ceiling. “I was more watching the light show.”  
  
Peridot stiffens. Jasper leans over and gives her an affectionate but patronising pat. “Eh, don’t worry, Peri. Your secret’s safe with me.”  
  
“It’s hardly a _secret_.” Even though it is. She worries every day about Pearl finding out before Peridot’s ready to make the move.  
  
“Like hell it’s not. You wouldn’t know subtle if it hit you in the face.” And laughing at her wasn’t the best idea, not really, it doesn’t make her feel any better, but Jasper laughs before she leaves and Peridot stares at her feet. The dream is fresh in her mind and she wants to go back, relive the moment, feel Pearl in her arms again, but it’s a dream and all she can do is think about it.  
  
Peridot rolls onto her side, stares at the wall, and silently tells herself that this is exactly why she sometimes sleeps for the sake for wasting time.  
  
  
  
  
Behind her, Pearl closes the door.


End file.
